LIFE ; It's Been So Long!

     It's been so long since I posted anything, well over a year!  After my last post I quit the kennel within days.  My car also died pretty much the day after I quit my job.  So I guess in reality that was good timing.  Took me a couple months to find a new job, and one that was in walking distance. I worked my absolute ass off, took any and all overtime, trained with the manager and took over when she left.  Everything was awesome.  Then, the 'owner' brought around this guy that just made my skin crawl.  Absolutely crawl.  I wasn't the only person that shared these feelings.  Numerous people lost their job because of these mutual feelings, including myself.  I got absolutely screwed over by them.  I honestly wouldn't mind watching that hotel go out of business.

     My anxiety is still there, and lets me know constantly.  There are days I can accept that it's there and just get on with my day, and there are days that I absolutely cannot function.  Good days and bad days.  I still can't convince myself to take a Buspar, however.  I've had them for two years now and still can't talk myself into one.  I've also quit taking my Lexapro.  I was just terribly sick of having to remember to take a pill.  I forgot to take them several times and would go into withdrawals, not enjoyable.  If they had told me before I started taking them, that they'd do this, I would have never started.  Definitely had some rough patches lately.  The other night I got ready to go to the store and started feeling anxiety come on, and then it escalated as I thought about the possibility of it getting worse at the grocery store and I paced around the house for a good thirty minutes and finally just caved and got undressed and resolved to staying home.  Which devestated me.  I spent the next two hours frantically scrubbing down my kitchen and cleaning while I cried.

A Year Later...

     It's been a year since a friend of mine decided to take his own life.  Let me just state this, he and I weren't that close, and still, his suicide rocked me.  I spent days in tears after, and months later, I still would cry when something would hit me about his suicide.  I cried the first time I saw a picture of his son, who was just a couple months old when he committed suicide, just because of how much he looks just like him.  I wanted to write a blog on dealing with someone's suicide, but every time I wrote it, it just felt so weird.  I couldn't find the words, and honestly, I think it's because of that emotion I can't find words for.  Instead, I've decided to write a blog on where I'm at now, a year later.

     It was the most chaotic period of emotions I have ever experienced in my life.  I went from sad, to angry, to just this raw emotion I had never experienced before in my life, and I still don't have a word to describe it.  For anyone who has ever experienced someone taking their own lives, I give you my condolences, because in my experience, it was one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with emotionally.  It was like a tornado and earthquake of emotions, just as soon as I'd get angry the anger would subside and I'd be hit with guilt, and then sadness, and back to anger, all before I could even figure out what was going on.  I wouldn't wish that upon anyone.