LIFE : Dealing with my anxiety.

      I have tried to figure out how to write an entry on my anxiety issues for months now, and I've even written a couple entries, but they were so jumpy that it didn't make sense.  I realized that actually writing about it while actively fighting it would probably make it the easiest.  That actually sounds like torture when I think about it, because while I'm fighting an anxiety attack my brain is firing off in rapid spurts of different things. 

     I've suffered from anxiety issues since I was probably about 14.  Probably even earlier if my fits of crying when I was in elementary school qualified as anxiety/panic issues. I would write a paper in pencil and would mess up on the very last word on the back of the page, and I would have to start completely over because I just knew my teacher would be able to tell I had made a mistake and would think less of me, or something.  I'm serious, I would have an absolute melt down and freak out over it.

     Most of the time my anxiety attacks are brought on by not feeling well, or 'right'.  I know it's laughable, and when I'm not currently dealing with it, it really is, because I realize how silly it seems, but when I'm tangled up in the tendrils of an anxiety attack, it's anything but a laughing matter.  Seriously, it can be brought on by something as simple as my thumb being numb and me thinking a vein in my hand is swollen looking and instantly my brain is playing WebMD for me and is screaming 'blood clot!!' and boom, instantly I'm trying to keep my sanity, but I'm already hot and crying and knowing that I'm dying.  Seriously, the simplest of things can set it off, like feeling my sinus' puff up and feel weird because of a reaction to whatever is causing the irritation. 

     What does it feel like?  It's hard to explain.  I was actually trying to explain this to a co-worker of mine today and in doing so, it brought me to tears.  It's so difficult to put it into words, but in my head I can see a small version of myself, standing in a large open area, staring straight up at a large black wave, drawing closer, ready to crash and pull me under the surface.  Tossing me around to bounce off rocks and thrash me about in the current.  Taking me wherever it chooses.  I can feel it physically slam down into my stomach, like I swallowed a weight and it plummeted down my esophagus and took residence in my gut.  My arms feel electrified and weird.  I always cry.  Always.  An anxiety attack is seriously one of the worst feelings, you are completely helpless, and you feel like you have absolutely no control, and you're absolutely doomed.  I wouldn't wish them upon anyone.  

     I know every person's experiences with anxiety/panic attacks are different, and how they handle them varies.  Certain things can help a person, while completely opposite things help another person.  I try to calm myself down the second I can feel it coming on, and sometimes if I catch it early enough and can distract myself somehow, I won't actually spiral into a full blown attack.  Which is such an awesome feeling.  Though, teetering on that edge of I'm fine and I'm fucked, is absolute hell.  Especially in public situations.  Part of the reason is the one of the ways I cope.  I twitch.  I twitch in a couple ways, either my head shakes in little jerks, I shake my hands like I'm trying to flick water off them, I honestly look like I'm tweaking.  It's embarrassing, but I can't help it.  The only reason I can figure out that it helps is because it gives me a physical sensation that draws my attention.  I rock, too.  Even if I'm laying on my side, I will rock.  If my fiance wakes up, and can feel me rocking, he instantly asks what's wrong because he knows it's one of my tells.  He's been known to get up and play video games with me to distract me, which I adore.  Distraction is my biggest key in fighting off or cutting an anxiety attack short.

     Am I on medication?  Yes, I have been for a couple months now.  I take 10mg of Lexapro a day to help balance out my brain a little, which also helps with my depression tendencies.  I wasn't exactly thrilled about being on a daily pill, because honestly, I suck at remembering to take pills.  It helped though, which is the only reason I stuck with it. I went up to 15mg for a couple weeks, but was getting what my doctor described as 'auditory hallucinations', so back to 10 I went.  I have Buspar as a back up in case of an emergency kind of situation where I end up in a full blown anxiety attack, but thankfully have yet had to actually take one.  I also had Xanax from a doctor from the RAM bus, but never had to take one of those either, and from what I hear, I'm quite glad I didn't.

     I've read about the 5 senses countdown to help you calm yourself down.  You're supposed to find five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.  I might have one or two of those mixed up, and in reality, during a panic attack, who can really remember that?  When this popped up on Facebook, I think at least four people either shared it to my wall or sent it to me in a message.  I can't say if it works for me or not, because I think I've only used it once or twice.

     Do you have anxiety?  How long have you had it and how do you deal with it?  Let me know.