LIFE : Oh crappy day!

     Today was nothing close to that song that blasted the radio waves constantly when it came out.  No Mr. Williams, I will not clap along, not today.  Not after this weekend.  This weekend has opened my eyes and had me screeching 'f bombs' at about everything to do with my job, and my car.
 
     So let me just type in this little blurb before we get started since I haven't updated about it at all.  I left my last job a couple months ago, and took on a job with animals, mostly dogs, at a groomer/kennel.  Loved the job until the last month or so.  There's been hardly any work, despite me being there six days a week.  On Saturday, Sunday and Monday, 12 hours of my day is basically blocked out by this job, from seven in the morning, until seven at night.  I have to go in four times on all of those days, to walk dogs, feed dogs, take dogs in, send dogs home, whatever the day calls for.  Leaving me running back and forth 12 times.  I might be lucky and get an hour and a half a day on normal weekends.  During the weekdays, if there's enough dogs to call for it, I wash dogs.  I love the animal aspect of this job, lately however, it's getting harder and harder to ignore the fact that I feel absolutely owned and like a slave.  I have called the owner to ask a question about someone trying to call her who had a dog in our kennel, and was told it was her day off, and she couldn't be bothered.  This is her business, not mine.  Yet, I have requested days off in advance because of going out of town, and have gotten texts the night before telling me to come in at a certain time to work, but I can leave after.  No question of what time am I leaving to go out of town, but demanding me to come in. 

LIFE : The struggle is real...

          Stress ... the struggle is real.  I understand that my problems compared to other people's issues they're dealing with make mine insignificant, but that doesn't mean they're not a big deal to me.  

     Lately I've been beating my brain with issues that I keep facing, from my job, to my life, to everything else that is probably a non-issue, but my head is turning into a problem.  Currently my job is the biggest issue in my life.  Yes, the economy is bad, and I should be thankful to have a job, and especially in this tiny town.  I am.  Though, only to a certain degree.   I work a chaotic schedule, which has me changing my sleep patterns twice a week.  Being on the anti-depressants and anti-anxiety med, this does not help, because it is throwing my body into confusion.  I notice I'm back to where I just easily cry again, over the smallest things, and this in itself, actually makes me cry when I think about it.  I have talked to my boss, because when I was going to start this schedule, she told me to let her know if I started to burn out.  I let her know a month ago, and she has done nothing.  Made no effort in changing anything except taking away three of my days and leaving me on the two graveyard shifts.  Which does not fix the flip flop sleep schedule I told her I was struggling with.  Why?  Because I would have to go find a second job to make up the three days I would lose.. see the problem?  I'm tired of watching certain people get special treatment.

LIFE : Dealing with my anxiety.

      I have tried to figure out how to write an entry on my anxiety issues for months now, and I've even written a couple entries, but they were so jumpy that it didn't make sense.  I realized that actually writing about it while actively fighting it would probably make it the easiest.  That actually sounds like torture when I think about it, because while I'm fighting an anxiety attack my brain is firing off in rapid spurts of different things. 

     I've suffered from anxiety issues since I was probably about 14.  Probably even earlier if my fits of crying when I was in elementary school qualified as anxiety/panic issues. I would write a paper in pencil and would mess up on the very last word on the back of the page, and I would have to start completely over because I just knew my teacher would be able to tell I had made a mistake and would think less of me, or something.  I'm serious, I would have an absolute melt down and freak out over it.